We’re All Boas on This Bus.

Bus-sized boa slithers into record books (from the British-based weekly science journal Nature)

PARIS (AFP) — Stunned scientists have found the fossilized remains of the world's greatest snake -- a record-busting serpent that was as long as a bus and snacked on crocodiles.

The boa-like behemoth, dubbed Titanoboa, ruled the tropical rainforests of what is now Colombia some 60 million years ago, at a time when the world was far hotter than now, they report in a study. The size of the snake's vertebrae suggest the beast weighed some 1.135 tonnes, in a range of 730 kilos (1,600 pounds) to 2.03 tonnes. And it measured 13 metres (42.7 feet) from nose to tail, in a range of 10.64-15 metres (34.6-48.75 feet), they estimate.

Jonathan Block, a vertebrate palaeontologist at the University of Florida, who co-led the work said “The snake that tried to eat Jennifer Lopez in the movie 'Anaconda' is not as big as the one we found."

"At its greatest width, the snake would have come up to about your hips," said David Polly, a geologist at the University of Indiana at Bloomington.

Ants from Mars, frogs the size of Border Collies, mine-sniffing rats, and all of a sudden a boa constrictor the size of a bus has scientists “stunned”?

We fret over Bernie Madoff, Joe the Plumber and Jessica Simpson’s waistline, while “stunned scientists” are uncovering the real treachery. It’s like one of those sci-fi movies from the fifties where only the little kid sees the giant cockroaches in the woods while the rest of the sleepy town mocks him on its way to the Fourth of July picnic. Sure, Hollywood told us, parade the flag down Main Street all you want – meanwhile the Soviets are poised to devour your children, America. Before you know it you’re up to your waist in 40-foot boa constrictors.

But the prize goes to vertebrate paleontologist Jonathan Block. It’s not enough for us to know the damn snake was the size of a bus. Jonathan has to tell us more about himself than we really need to know by comparing it to the snake that tried to eat Jennifer Lopez. Jonathan’s snake is bigger than that.

Good for Jonathan.

I'll Roger That!

Bless me father.

Are impure thoughts really still a sin? I am at the point where I welcome and celebrate almost any coherent thought. Must I confound it all with worry about my soul and all of eternity?

And is that really the standard? Impure? You don’t even have to get to fanciful, mischievous or lascivious or anything? Just saddle up your Ivory Soap thoughts (only 99.44 percent after all) and ride them straight to hell.

Anyways, this is all about car insurance, factual impossibility and  rabbits. There may be an age discrimination problem here too, but , . . .

When Snoopy started trying to sell me life insurance, I was good. Why would anybody buy life insurance from a cartoon beagle, however beloved? And disability insurance from a duck with Gilbert Gottfried’s voice? You’d have to be crazy. Geckos, cavemen, even Charo? No, no and no.

But this Erin Esurance babe has me reviewing my policy for all the wrong reasons I am sure.  I hate to seem shallow, but she's younger and perkier that Jessica, and probably more fun on a date. I Googled her and apparently I am not her first admirer -- certainly not her strangest admirer either, judging by the collections of "fan art" out there.  (She does look good naked.)

Today I heard her voice on the Country Music radio station.  For a moment I imagined that they took her into the studio, sat her down and had her read ad copy. And I am definitely hoping she comes through with something big on Super Sunday.

Now, where is the princess with the abscessed tooth?

Top Stamp Seeks Prince Charming

She needs my help. I just know it. But I am at a loss.

So let’s keep it simple. Like many of you, I have set a Google alert for Xuxa. Sadly it is a mixed bag. Today’s news was bad:

Apparently there has been a release, either on line or on DVD of a movie, starring her, called Popstar. The plot summary tells the whole story:

Plot Summary: Top stamp decides to retire as anyhow as functions give assistance to Brazil, following a brilliant international career, inside bid to join up her Prince Charming, in addition to whom she spoke on the Internet. She accepts an give to execute since an executive inside the bureau where she commenced as anyhow as has to set wide awake in addition to the intrigues of the construct world, making sole her virtual colleague for the grounds that support. For the whole story, go to http://stonewebs.com/2009/01/popstar-2000/

I don’t know what to make of it. A cry for help? Is she in distress? I would gladly ride to her rescue, but I definitely do not want to barge in if I’m not wanted.

She hasn’t returned my calls since the incident at Breckinridge and I never actually moved for a dismissal of the restraining order. Meanwhile, my spelling and grammar check actually let that plot summary go by with only one edit. So sinister forces are surely at work. For now I guess I can only pray.

Maybe I’m the one who needs help.

Don't Squawk for Me Argentina

More distressing news from the animal kingdom.

The Associated Press tells us today that:

“A Queens politician is drafting measures to protect Brooklyn's wild Quaker parrots, whose nests have caused power outages. Councilman Tony Avella wants to make it illegal to capture the parrots and wants the city to relocate their nests when necessary.

The green parrots also are known as monk parakeets. They're native to Argentina but have been in Brooklyn for about 30 years. Flocks of them have settled at Brooklyn College.

The utility Consolidated Edison says parrot nests built in electrical equipment have caused at least seven fires in Brooklyn.

. . . Animal lovers say the parrots are part of the neighborhood and bring life to the skies.”

Feral Argentine Quaker parrots cutting off the power and setting fires in Brooklyn. And they are defended by folks who insist that they “bring life to the skies”. Life to the skies and chaos to the streets of Brooklyn. What’s not to like!

So the Religious Society of Friends recruits volunteers from Argentina to liven the skies of Brooklyn. After three decades in the city, they start taking a torch to the place. Probably not the kind of “inner light” their original sponsors had in mind. Time to go meeting.

Relocate the nests? How does Somalia sound? Match them up with some of those Somali pirates that seem to be thumbing their noses at us all. The birds’ penchant for sabotage and arson will probably come in handy when the pillaging starts

Do you suppose they squawk with that annoying accent?

And while we’re talking about queens; hairdressers are vying for the chance to become the new first lady’s stylist. The One can’t leave the White House for a cut and blow, so somebody has to be summoned. It’s a gig worth fighting for. They are going at it “hammer and tong” – actually more like “gift basket and styling gel”. For all his talent, I am not sure that salon owner Barry Fletcher helped himself when he told AP. "This would pretty much validate all of my hard work and effort to get to a level where I could handle a powerful queen like the first lady." Watch out Barry.

Maybe we should send a few powerful queens to Brooklyn to dispatch with the parrots. It worked well in To Wong Foo. They’d almost certainly want to style their own hair thank you. And the First Lady can always call the people at Harpo.

Bad Luck in Lagos

Understated like a Fox.

Item: Police Raids Reveal Alleged Network of 'Baby Farms' -- Fox news.

Police raids have revealed an alleged network baby "farms" or "factories" in Nigeria, forcing a new look at the scope of human trafficking in the country.”

The doctor in charge, who is now on trial, reportedly lured teenagers with unwanted pregnancies by offering to help with abortion. . . [but] luck ran out for the gynecologist, said to be in his 50s, when a woman to whom he had sold a day-old infant was caught by Nigeria's Security and Civil Defence Service (NSCDS) while trying to smuggle the child to Lagos, the security agency said.

How upsetting for the good doctor. He probably failed to forward his chain letter to at least five people on his mailing list and that’s how it goes.

His crop comes in after all the careful luring and imprisoning – not easy business that. And then a clumsy customer undoes it all. Probably not clumsy, though. More likely stupid! Something tells me that what really killed the deal was the woman’s failure to bribe the security officer from NSCDS.

Once upon a time when you consulted on-line tech support, if you missed something thought to be obvious, they used to say RTFMS – for “read the fucking manual, stupid".

I think when you get a baby in the US they include instructions for the proper use and installation of infant car seats. Cause that’s what we do – drive babies around in cars.

From what I gather, what you do in Nigeria is get out with your valuables. I don’t read Yoruban but I’ll bet that in the small print of the transaction there were some pretty specific user instructions - “Transporting Your New Baby out of the Country". In her haste to get out she probably didn’t bother to read the manual.

I wonder what Fox would consider a “lucky” day for a Nigerian gynecologist.

Rats!

More disturbing news from the Animal Kingdom.

TOFO, Mozambique, Aug. 3 (UPI) — A few enterprising Mozambicans say they might be able to turn their rabbit-sized, land-mine sniffing African rats into a tourist-attracting oddity.

The rat handlers let their rodents poke around at the end of thin leashes until they scratch at the ground. That’s the sign they’ve discovered an explosive device, The Georgia Straight reported in its travel section July 31.

I don’t know what disturbs me most about it all. Is this really the best that enterprising Mozambicans can do? Training rabbit-sized, mine-sniffing rats on leashes? Is this truly the dream of the Junior Achievers and 4H’ers of Twenty-First Century Africa?

That there are people known to the UPI as “rat handlers” piques the curiosity though. Are there rat groomers? Rat farmers? Maybe scientifically-formulated rat food in eight enticing flavors? Perhaps I underestimated the grandness of the entrepreneurial spirit here, but I can’t imagine that rat husbandry, supplies and accessories (exercise wheels? rhinestone leashes?) do much to sustain the nation’s economy

And the tourists! No more giant sea turtles? No white sand beaches? Have the safaris become tiresome? Is it no longer enough to take snapshots of the “colorful locals”, post them on your blog and then and show them off at the happy hour back at the Marriott? It strikes me as déclassé to travel halfway around the world to see a “tourist –attracting oddity” that is in fact just a bunch of rodents on ropes.

Of course they are cheaper than dogs and certainly require less security and general fussing and fawning over than royalty or even celebrities. So there is probably virtue in that. Although I just might travel halfway around the world to watch a tethered Paula Abdul and Matt Lauer tiptoe through a minefield.

Where are the PETA people on this anyway? Is a rodent really more expendable that a right whale? Or a princess?

Economic Recovery -- Plan C

I don’t usually send these e-mails, but this one is for real.

Please make a copy of this and send it to Every Nigerian on your mailing list. It is not a scam. I already checked it out on Snopes and Bill Gates has agreed to match every dollar raised.

Do not delete this.

Dear Nigerian Friends;

My name is Jaime of Newton, Massachusetts USA, I am the only surviving nephew of (Eng Mr. Anderson Nelson) from Boston who had appointment in New York as the chief managing director to American International Group under project/contract awarding sector

My uncle died in crash of sub-prime mortgage market while in flight from Hearings of Congress Subcommittee, of the US, Friday 14th November 2008. Before his death, we had a joint account deposit worth $33.5 million (us) dollars in our fixed deposit account.

I am old now and my doctor told me that I can not stay to live up three months ahead, and as executor I am denied access to all Proper Funds by trustee in bankruptcy. Therefore I need a God fearing person who will assure me that he/she will help me use this fund to help the Motherless baby homes, Orphanage and Charity organization, less privileged Propagating the word of God.

The total sum will be shared as follows: 60% for me to distribute as above through the offices of Mr. C. G. Withington, Esq. as agent, 30% for you and 10% will be set aside for expenses incurred during the business.

More details information with the text of application form will be forwarded to you to breakdown explaining comprehensively what require of you which will include good receiving account details where the money will be transferred.

You Should Contact Me Immediately As Soon As You Receive This Letter.

As soon as I receive your reply I shall give you the contact of the Bank. I want you to always pray for me because I don’t have more days to live.

Please reply urgently
Best regards

Yours in the lord
Jaime.
USA

cc. B.Frank
B. O’Bama
O. Winfrey

The Day the Music Died?

My my . . . .
I certainly didn’t notice it.

And you could probably convince me that I am wrong. There used to be music in elevators and now there isn’t any. I know I’m right about the “once upon a time” part of that, but is all the elevator music really gone?

I ignored it, and held it up to ridicule and now they have done away with it. It seems little video screens now take the place of the Muzak -- filling us in on the vital news of the day.

That’s how I know: Scientists have discovered a tiny, blind ant whose species appears to “the sole surviving representative” of some of the first ants. Ever.

They (the scientists) reckon that they (the ants) evolved from wasp ancestors 120 million years ago.

The new ant (well, old ant actually), has been named Martialis heureka, or the ant from Mars. It is referred to by the National Academy of Sciences as a “cryptic predator from the soils of the Amazon rainforest”.

It is wise always to be mindful or at least aware of “cryptic predators”, blind or otherwise. I suppose that if our little Martian arthropod gropes its way out of the rainforest and ominously confronts me with a Greek epigram and a wry expression I should either dive for cover or expect to be eaten. But can’t I commute to my board meeting without a hint of this frightening prospect?

Enough information already. I want easy listening -- a pleasant ride to the 32nd floor with The Girl from Ipanema. Now that’s the way to travel.

Deliverance

Ah the sweet worries of the past!

Remember getting all worked up about putting lipstick on a pig?

Folks arguing in earnest about whether it’s an offense to the moose-shooting hockey mom to use a cliché after she laid claim to the word “lipstick”. Like it was Don Imus’s latest pronouncement on the Rutgers University women's basketball team. (Putting lipstick on a nappy-headed pig?)

So it goes with the news of the day. Just before Katrina, the eyes of the nation were on the Florida coast, where, believe it or not sharks were biting people! In fact I think that’s what really messed up Terry Schiavo. But my memory is not great.

Anyway, however you slice it, it’s going to take more than lipstick to pretty up the Wall Street bulls and bears alike.

Speaking of bears; despite all her vigilance, our alert northern governor didn’t see the great Russian beast pull this one off. It was right there in the Chess section of the paper of record: Alexandra Kosteniuk, a 23 year old Russian bikini model has become the World Women’s Chess champion.

A Russian bikini model! Chess champion of the world! The best ours can do is play lingerie football and whine about Darfur like they could find it on a map!

A short history lesson from the Smithsonian National Air and Space Museum:

On October 4, 1957, the Soviet Union sent into orbit Sputnik 1, the first artificial satellite in history. Then a month later, an even larger and heavier
satellite, Sputnik 2, carried the dog Laika into orbit.

Sputnik’s launch came as an unnerving surprise to the United States. The space age had dawned and America’s Cold War rival suddenly appeared technologically superior.

So here’s to Alexandra – I fully expect her to defend her crown next time with a dog under her arm – and it won’t be a Chihuahua. Maybe they'll stuff Laika just to rub our noses in it. Or clone her.

I think my real problem is that I can only think of one reason to put lipstick on a pig and it scares me that our political leaders can speak so blithely about it. What’s next, fishnets and heels? At least Eliot Spitzer kept it within the species.

Long Time, No? Si.

I may need a better case for my scenario.

It still troubles me. Two thousand eight men pounding drums in perfect unison to start the Olympics. Perfect unison!  That's like 670 Blue Man Groups, with the lights and the pounding and the music and all.  Imagine what they could do with marshmallows.  Or Jello.

And all of them smilng the same smile.The announcer remarked that they were instructed to smile so as not to seem menacing.  Nice guess, Howard.  It only gave the whole spectacle a further frightening touch of the Samurai Stepford Wives.  And you gotta know that was no mistake.

Just ask the Ghostface Killah ---  Wu Tang Clan ain't nothing to fuck with.

So I should consider myself lucky. I suppose I can live with a worst case scenario.  But would you please call the desk and request a better venue?